Living Together Without Sex?
by Pastor Walter Snyder

Q: Is it a sin for me to live with my fiance if we are not sexually active? Can you help me?

A: Nothing in Scripture specifically forbids this. However, both for your own sake and for the
sake of those around you, I urge you to consider the ramifications.

You don't say why you want to do this, whether for financial, travel, or other reasons. Since you
don't plan to be sexually active, I doubt that you're wanting to "test drive" your marriage. But
with just the bare question at hand, let's look at a few points.

First, how will family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers understand what you're doing? Unless
you keep witnesses, more than one person is bound to assume that you and your fiance‚ are
already having sex. What testimony does this give both to Christians and to non-Christians?
Certainly, many of your family and friends will accept your explanations at face value, but what of
those who don't? Could you possibly burden the consciences of "weaker brothers"?

As Paul wrote under the Spirit's inspiration, "'All things are lawful,' but not all things are helpful.
'All things are lawful,' but not all things build up. Let no one seek his own good, but the good of
his neighbor. (1 Corinthians 10:23-24)" In the same Epistle, he stated, "Take care that this right
of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak. (8:9)" How might your living
together encourage others to do the same? Could it possibly tempt others into the sins of gossip,
false judgment, and the like?

Second, how do you guarantee your own behavior? I ask not doubting your character or sincere
desire to do right, but because you show that you want to act wisely and well. Assuming that you
both regularly pray the Lord's Prayer, how do you reconcile asking God, "Lead us not into
temptation," with the potential for more temptation than you can imagine if you share a home.

You sound somewhat prepared for the frontal assaults of devil, world, and sinful flesh. How do
you anticipate that which slowly creeps up on you? You might enter into this proposed living
arrangement thinking, "No sex until we're married." Temptation's subtle inroads come slowly,
gradually changing our thoughts. It might then become, "We're almost married," then, "We're as
good as married," until both of you reach a point where you can't see a difference---or don't want
to admit one exists.

Will this happen? Not necessarily? Can it? Yes. You two must make and live with your decisions
now and throughout your lives. I pray that God guides you into choices based solely upon what is
good for you and what is right and proper for Christians to testify to each other and to the world.

Scripture quotations, unless otherwise noted, are from ~The Holy Bible, English Standard Version~<TM>,
© 2001 by Crossway Bibles.

Ask the Pastor, © 2003 by Walter P. Snyder. It may be reproduced in totality, including this disclaimer,
by anyone, provided that no profit is generated by said republication and redistribution. Translations
into other languages should similarly note the United States and any appropriate international
copyrights, as well as God's Scriptural injunctions concerning the property of others.

Walter Snyder is the pastor of Holy Cross Lutheran Church, Emma, Missouri and coauthor of
the book "What Do Lutherans Believe."