Pregnancy and Marriage. Age of Accountability.
by the Rev. Walter Snyder

Q: I'm 26 and have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We're in love and often talk about
marriage. Yet we've been sidetracked. My mother died 2 years ago and my father was in
an accident a year ago, is now disabled, and I've been caring for him. I am now 9 weeks
pregnant and we know the time is here to get married. My boyfriend's parents feel we
should before the baby is born, they are ashamed and will not speak to either one of us if
we don't. I would like to wait until after. I want to have a wedding where I can wear a
gown and have everyone I know there. Is there anything wrong with waiting until after the
baby is born, especially since this child was conceived out of our love for each other.

A: There are several things to consider in making a final decision. First of all, God desires men
and women to have sex and children within the bounds of marriage. He intends that each child
conceived be raised by married (Christian) parents. Second, if you have come together and
"acted" like husband and wife, with the intention of always being together, you have already
"married" each other. Ceremonies, whether religious or civil, are only ratifications of what the
two have already promised to each other.

As for specifically religious ceremonies, in many countries, they take place after the couple is
already married. Even under "normal" circumstances, the man and woman may go to judge,
magistrate, or the like with their witnesses to be legally married. Only then do they go to receive
the blessings of God and His Church. A sermon and prayers don't make the marriage---yet they
are important parts of the Christian marriage.

There's also the matter of care for the child. If you are married before the baby is born, then there
is extra legal protection for all three of you, as well as insurance benefits and the like. This is not
an unimportant consideration. Nor is the "legitimacy" of the baby a matter of little importance; it
may make a difference both in how people talk about you and how life is later for your child.

I understand your desire for the big wedding with all the trimmings. If you want to wait, that
decision is one that the two of you must live with. Yet you should ask yourself, "Is wearing a
certain gown more important than being totally honest with God and the world?" You either are
married or you aren't, and delaying sounds like a false compromise.

If you want the big ceremony, I suggest following what I suggested above: Get married in a small
civil ceremony, set up housekeeping as husband and wife, not secretly, but openly and honestly.
Ask for the prayers of your church and then, when you and all possible guests have time (and you
can fit into the gown of your dreams), schedule the big ceremony with all the special music, the
prayers, the sermon, and the rest. Just because you began by putting the "cart" of sex and
procreation before the "horse" of marriage doesn't mean that you must continue in this manner.
Instead, put God's first things (including Christian marriage) first, and you will enjoy and prosper
even more in the things that follow (such as bearing children and raising a family).

Q: I am in a Bible study group and we are trying to find the answer to something. What do
you consider the "age-of-accountability"?  We were discussing at what age are children not
given a "free ticket" to heaven. We'd appreciate any feedback you could give us.

A: According to the Bible, there is no "age of accountability," since "all have sinned and fall short
of the glory of God, (Romans 3:23)" and thus are without hope. Nevertheless, we "are justified by
his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus. (Romans 324)." This is in line
with other passages, including Psalms 14:1-3 and 53:1-3, as well as Romans 3:10, which refers to
these Psalms: "None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All
have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one." None
of these Scriptures distinguishes by age. Even more telling is the lament of David in Psalm 51,
where he confesses in verse 5, "Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother
conceived me."

Even babies carry the stain of sin from our first parents and thus need God to create in them clean
hearts and raise them to newness of life. Thus, baptism for the remission of sins is for babies and
little children as well as for adults. In its waters, through the words and promises of God, sin is
cleansed, faith kindled, and a new and right relationship established with the Father. He calls the
baptized child by name and in turn gives the child the right and privilege of knowing Him by
Name: Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

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Walter Snyder is the pastor of Holy Cross Lutheran Church, Emma, Missouri and coauthor of
the book "What Do Lutherans Believe."

Ask the Pastor, © 2002 by Walter P. Snyder. It may be reproduced in totality, including this
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