<> Ask the Pastor The Rev'd Walter Snyder This week, we have two questions on the same subject: Q: Does having sex before the "traditional ceremony" make it wrong? Do you become married in a spiritual sense when you have sex for the first time with your fiance? Where does the ceremony of today come from? According to the descriptions of weddings in bible times, it appears that the role of the preacher/pastor has been added in by some other culture. Is this true? I get the idea that the real seal on the marriage is the first sexual experience, and not the ceremony itself. Sure seems that back then, all it took was a big feast and a night in bed! Q: Where would I find Scriptural evidence to refrain from premarital sex---not adultery or fornication, as one has to be married to commit these sins. Please show me scriptural evidence against premarital sex between male and female who love each other and intend to marry. I do not believe in promiscuity, but concerning sex between two who love each other and are monogamous with each other, I just can't find anything against this. A: To begin, while adultery is marital infidelity, fornication is general sexual sin. It can be homosexuality, consorting with prostitutes, or moving from sexual partner to sexual partner, with or without marriage. The general implication of both questions is correct: A ceremony does not make a marriage. Commitment establishes the relationship. However, as Paul reminds us in 1 Corinthians 6:16, "One who joins himself with a prostitute is one in body with her." Sex defines and determines with whom you are "one body." The commitment of your sex organ is final, no matter who your partner. Thus, you are, in God's eyes, married when you have sex with another. Many parts of the United States and the world recognize this by establishing "common law" marriages, wherein merely living together, having sex together, or even representing themselves as husband and wife legally binds a man and a woman. The Bible likewise establishes no particular religious or secular rite. In having sex and not publicly represent itself as married, a couple lies about its relationship. This can include young people who may not be ready for all the legal commitments. They may want to maintain parental support while indulging their sexual desires. It also includes those older people who live together without a public declaration or ceremony or a state license. They often do this so as to not lose pensions or possessions. Paul says in verse 12, "It is permissible for me to do anything, but not everything is beneficial." Married is married and single is single. There is no trial period, no "test drive." There is no benefit, rather loss, in dallying with another outside a lifetime commitment. Be married or be single---but be truthful. Without the public confession of unity and commitment to remain united, it is easier for one or both partners to enter the relationship casually---then to throw it away just as casually. It isn't easy to be "one body" with one person---and the guilt and the comparisons stemming from multiple partners make it even tougher once you truly find "the right person." It can be difficult enough to stay committed and focused when you are bound not only by sex, but by vows and witnesses and laws. A secret or private relationship is even harder to maintain, since you lack the benefit of the support of family and society. And make no mistake, society has a strongly vested interest in marriage. Merely financing the cost of out-of-wedlock births is a tremendous burden, let alone sexually transmitted diseases, divorce, child support, and other problems stemming from non-married sex or the breakup of marriages. God's plan for those who want to have sex is to be and to remain married to one person. Depending upon laws, customs, and the like, the shape of the wedding may vary. Yet no matter how you promise yourselves to each other, you must also consider what is legal and what is right by God's Law. Does a secret relationship that you'll "someday" reveal to others truly "honor your father and your mother"? Does wanting the state to not declare your relationship a marriage mean that, deep down, you don't consider it a marriage, either? "Flee from sexual sin," says Paul. For "your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit" and "you do not belong to yourselves because you were bought for a price. Then glorify God in your body. (1 Corinthians 6:18--20)" Glorify God. Do this openly, honestly, and absolutely. Compare who you are with whom God desires you to be. Remember that marriage---especially Christian marriage---is God's testimony to the world about Christ's relationship to his Church (see Ephesians 5:22--32). Declare your intent to each other and to the world, make your promises, then live according to them. Christ did not take a secret bride when he claimed the Church as his own. The Church does not secretly worship Christ. Thus, Christ is not honored by men and women taking secret wives and husbands. His commitment was absolute, even through crucifixion and death. That same death forgives our sexual sins and restores us to live in integrity from this day forth, until death parts. That's it for now. You can submit questions by mail to "Ask the Pastor," PO Box 1080, Jasper, Texas, 75951; E-mail xrysostom@aol.com; or just stop me on the street. Walter Snyder is the pastor of St. Paul and Faith Lutheran Churches in Jasper and Woodville, Texas and coauthor of the book "What Do Lutherans Believe? A Study Guide in Christian Teachings for Adults." Copyright (c) 1998 by Walter P. Snyder Permission is granted by author to reproduce or retransmit this by any means, provided that its content is not altered, that this notice of copyright and permission is included, and that no financial gain is realized.