<> Ask the Pastor The Rev. Walter Snyder Q: My pastor perplexes me. He often takes a nonchalant attitude toward sin; for instance, he acts as though cursing is no big deal. He said, "I've sworn before and I'll do it again. If you don't believe me, cut me off on the highway." I thought the Christian perspective was that as a child of God we do not willfully sin and that the Holy Ghost works in us to sanctify us, making us more like Christ. Don't get me wrong: I'm not pushing toward self-righteousness, but I don't believe in forgiveness based on a "confession" without repentance. Confession should include contrition and turning away from sin, not cheap grace. A: Your pastor perplexes me, too. I don't have all the details, but the evidence points to one who is resisting the Spirit's sanctifying work. Paul reminds us in 1 Corinthians 10, "'All things are lawful,' but not all things build up"--and a cussing pastor definitely falls into this latter category. If he doesn't listen to you, have you talked with other members of your congregation? If this doesn't work, there is often recourse to other pastors. In our church, we have circuit counselors and other officials who are supposed to deal with such situations. If things cannot be handled within your congregation, you may have to go to others in the church body for resolution. Still, be careful not to assume a lack of contrition if he does say that he is sorry. We can judge the deed; only God can judge the heart. Q: What does the Bible say about grudges? How does a mother approach her son who openly says, "I don't have a mother"? His grudge is over my correcting his eldest daughter (who was about 11 or 12 at the time). He also says that his family does not have to have respect for anyone else. A: The Eighth Commandment (Exodus 20:16) says, "You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor." Expounding on this, Martin Luther noted: "We should fear and love God so that we do not tell lies about our neighbor, betray him, slander him, or hurt his reputation, but defend him, speak well of him, and explain everything in the kindest way." Thus, false witness is connected with grudge-bearing: One cannot bear a grudge and explain his neighbor's actions "in the kindest way." Leviticus 19:18 is explicit: "You shall not take vengeance or bear any grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord." Some dismiss the Old Testament or say that the Levitical commands were only valid for Israel. However, the Lord's connecting grudges to loving your neighbor clearly establishes a New Testament link. In addition, if one is to even love his enemy (Matthew 5:43), then grudges are clearly out. Were there already difficulties between you and your son before this final incident? It is rare that one event causes such a split. Sometimes it is difficult for parents to sit quietly and watch their children make mistakes in child-raising. Grandparents sometimes meddle and interrupt when they shouldn't. However, there are times when a grandparent is compelled to step in, either because the parent is not present or because the parent is neglecting proper discipline. By virtue of the Fourth Commandment, your son should honor you. There is no age limit or statute of limitations on this honor. Yet since he is now an adult, he probably should receive respect from you, as well. Paul presents both sides in Ephesians 6:1-4, saying, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother' (this is the first commandment with a promise), 'that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth.' Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Look also into your own heart; see that you are not bearing a grudge toward your son. The Lord may well have to work forgiveness and reconciliation from both directions. Children (and grandchildren) owe honor, while parents must learn when to step back and allow their children (and grandchildren) to stand or fall on their own. I pray that God works in your family to confront whatever sins have caused this rift and to bring true forgiveness and healing. That's it for now. You can submit questions by mail to "Ask the Pastor," PO Box 1080, Jasper, Texas, 75951; E-mail xrysostom@aol.com; or just stop me on the street. Walter Snyder is the pastor of St. Paul and Faith Lutheran Churches in Jasper and Woodville and coauthor of the book "What Do Lutherans Believe? A Study Guide in Christian Teachings for Adults." Copyright (c) 1998 by Walter P. Snyder Permission is granted by author to reproduce or retransmit this by any means, provided that its content is not altered, that this notice of copyright and permission is included, and that no financial gain is realized.