<> Ask the Pastor Fr. Walter Snyder Q: I am a student and am 22 years old. I consider myself a strong Christian, but am up and down in my faith. Of course, there are areas in which I could grow also. Here is my question: I have been going out with a man (also 22) for almost four months, and I really care about him. We are pretty serious, and have started to discuss important issues such as religion and marriage (though marriage would be very far off in the future). The problem is that he is not a strong Christian at all. He believes in God, but believes that God gave him everything that he needs in himself. So when he goes through problems, he looks within himself instead of to God. He does not believe that God has control over his life, but that God gave him the things that he needs to be in control of his own life. He does not pray, and when I asked him if he believed that Jesus came to save his sins, he said that he had not really thought about it. I asked him if he would be willing to try to pray when things were rough, and he said that he might try it. I asked him what he would teach children if he had them. He says that he would go to church with them and then when they were old enough, he would let them decide. Then I asked him, "So do you believe that you have made your decision--that you will not change from here on out." I got from his answer that he is open to listening to me and trying things. I am attempting to witness to him, but do not have great ideas on how to do this without pushing him away. I do not want to change him into an "A+" Christian (that is for God to do). I just want him to believe, so that he can be saved. Now all my Christian friends think that Christians should not go out with non-Christians, but I think that it is hard to force yourself to stop having feelings for a person. I have been in abusive relationships in the past where I have been used. I am finally with someone who cares and respects me and is a great person. Sometimes I wonder if God put me in his life to show him the power of God and Jesus. So, in general, how do I witness to my boyfriend, without turning him away from Christianity and myself? I really care about him and would love for him to experience the peace that I receive from God. Thank you for your help. A: Since we talked about sharing this with other pastors (anonymously), I've gotten some replies. One pastor, who was a pagan when he met and married his wife, wrote in part: "I think that by telling this young man forthrightly that your faith to you is the most important thing in your life--and that the person you marry will have to share this faith with you--he might have a very strong motivation for further investigation. That's basically what brought me around. My wife eventually became adamant about the need for her being back in Church, and when I saw her resolve I thought perhaps I ought to 'check it out' myself. Too many times we are wishy washy in our faith and give others the impression that while it's important to us, it's not necessarily all that important for everyone else. The truth of the matter, however, is that the Gospel is for everyone-- whether they believe it or not. "If you tell this young man that you cannot live your life out here on earth with someone who you know will not also share heaven with you eternally, he may begin to see the significance of your faith and the depth of your commitment to it. Maybe that will kick him off the fence." Other pastors (including me) are also concerned about you. Staying with someone who doesn't believe can be a great burden. It forms an inertia that may make it more difficult for the believer to regularly attend church and to live a Christian life. Sometimes guilt feelings are also strong: "Why can't I make him believe?" is a regular question many believers have about unbelieving spouses. These are some of the reasons why the Bible warns about being "unequally yoked." And if his confidence isn't in Jesus, if he doesn't believe that his sins need forgiving, if he sees no value in prayer to his heavenly Father, then he is definitely an unbeliever. Thus, you should be cautious. Still, as you suggest, God uses plain old ordinary people as his vessels for the outpouring of his Word. What you say and do might well be the Holy Spirit's way of bringing this man to faith. We just don't know. Thus far, he seems fairly adamant that he's incapable of change or belief. This, of itself, doesn't mean that God can't or won't change him. However, it is a clear sign that you'll probably be facing an uphill climb in living and teaching your faith. I don't tell people what they "must" do during marriage and relationship counseling, and this is no exception. However, I'll urge you to be cautious in making any final commitment. That way, if you are plagued by doubts in the months to come, you won't think you "must" get married if a big part of you is saying, "No, it doesn't seem right." As for what you say about "going up and down" in your faith, that is the case with most Christians. It's why we stake our confidence not on feelings, but on the truth of God's Word: Jesus Christ saves us from our sins. That's it for now. You can submit questions by mail to "Ask the Pastor," PO Box 1080, Jasper, Texas, 75951; E-mail xrysostom@aol.com; or just stop me on the street. Walter Snyder is the pastor of St. Paul and Faith Lutheran Churches in Jasper and Woodville and coauthor of the book "What Do Lutherans Believe? A Study Guide in Christian Teachings for Adults." Copyright (c) 1998 by Walter P. 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