<> Ask the Pastor Pastor Walter Snyder This week we have a series of questions from the same person, all on the topic of marriage and sex. To make it easier to follow, I've alternated questions with answers. Q: What happens during sex, besides the obvious physical intercourse? Is there any difference between a virgin having sex, and a non-virgin, apart from the physical? Obviously, the boy enters the girl's body, but is there anything beyond that? I've heard there's a physical bond, as spoken of in the Bible, "becoming one flesh." Is there some sort of bond between the two people who have sex? A: After God forms Eve and introduces her to Adam, the man realizes that finally there is someone "like" him, to be his companion and partner. "'This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.' Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2:23-24; see also Ephesians 5, Matthew 19, and elsewhere)" The bond is physical--but also emotional and spiritual. The "differences" we'll explore as we go along. Q: Are there any conditions, such as being married, or knowing each other spiritually and mentally? Is this bond for as long as they live? Or is it only while they have sex? Can it ever be broken? A: The Bible sets no conditions, nor any time limits. If the bond is broken, some sort of pain or other woe is an inevitable result. However, many who experience it don't recognize their own suffering, or else refuse to believe the Scriptures telling them that their actions caused it. That is why the Word warns against indiscriminate copulation. 1 Corinthians 6:16 is specific: "Do you not know that he who joins himself to a prostitute becomes one body with her?" The "knowing" is taken up with your next questions. Q: Is sex only physical, or is it also spiritual and mental? In the Bible, when two people have sex, it sometimes says that they "know each other." Is something deeper than the physical, a spiritual and mental bond created? Again, does this depend on the two people being in Christ, or being married, or truly loving each other? A: Genesis 4 begins, "Adam knew Eve his wife...." What was separate in God's Creation is united by God's gift of sexual intercourse. The union is on all levels. The same word is also used throughout the Scriptures for God's intimate knowledge of us, his people. Just as God "knows" us to the depth of our beings, so we have been made to know each other. Illicit sex brings illicit knowledge (remember the Tree of Knowledge in Eden), while God-pleasing sex brings God-pleasing knowledge. Q: If a girl has sex before she is married, before she becomes saved, does God give her virginity back (as in being a "born-again virgin")? And what is virginity? Is it just a historical fact that the girl had sex, or does something change spiritually and mentally when the girl has sex for the first time? A: Physically, one is either a virgin or one has had sex. This is true for men and women. However, God who is "making all things new" in Christ Jesus blots out our sins, to remember them no more. Problems arise because sinful humanity clings to the sin itself, or to its guilt and shame. God remakes the human heart, but often we reject this gift and choose to dwell in our sinful past. We know that infidelity and unfaithfulness can be forgiven, for God chose to forgive Israel--and all people--their unfaithfulness to him. The entire book of Hosea uses sexual illustrations to demonstrate the incredible forgiveness of the Lord for his wayward "Bride." Paul likewise uses sex and marriage in Ephesians 5 to show the relationship between Jesus and his Church. After quoting "one flesh" from Genesis, Paul continues: "This mystery is a profound one, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church." Vile sinners are made into Christ's virginal Church-bride, that he will present "to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish." Q: What if a girl has sex with two people? Is she bonded with the first one, and not with the second? Here's the situation: A girl had sex with a boy before she knew the Lord. It was an act of lust (as she reports it), with no true love between them, nor knowledge of the Lord, nor marriage. She is saved now, and has repented. If she loves a man (true love, in the Lord, in which God is first, before each other in the relationship), and they become married and have sex, what sort of bond will they (we, as you can probably tell) have? Will their bond be deeper than the bond that was before, if there was/is one? How will their sex be different? A: The bond of illicit sex--fornication, adultery, or other--is a cruel chain. It binds body, mind, and soul to a sin-filled past. Memories, regrets, and comparisons may arise to damage the present relationship. However, the forgiveness of God in Christ Jesus is stronger than the evil we do, even to ourselves, in our own bodies. In a situation such as yours, each of you carries a different burden: One is weighed down by what she did, the other hindered by what happened before him. The Gospel frees both of you to truly forgive yourselves and each other, as God has done. In a redeemed relationship with Christ you are both "reborn" daily through forgiveness, and the bond between each other is strengthened by the bond between you and Christ. The sex will be "different," because it will be pleasing to God and to you. The union you have will be a sign to the world of the union that awaits the Church with Christ. On earth, with God's forgiveness and blessing, your bride can be presented "holy and without blemish" to you, as a token of what awaits all the redeemed in heaven. Remember to "Ask the Pastor" at P.O. Box 1080, Jasper, Texas, 75951; E-mail xrysostom@aol.com; or catch me around town. Pastor Snyder serves St. Paul and Faith Lutheran Churches, Jasper and Woodville, Texas, and is the coauthor of "What Do Lutherans Believe? A Study Guide in Christian Teachings for Adults." Copyright (c) 1997 by Walter P. Snyder Permission is granted by author to reproduce or retransmit this by any means, provided that its content is not altered, that this notice of copyright and permission is included, and that no financial gain is realized.