<> Ask the Pastor Pastor Walter Snyder Parents may want to screen the second question of this day, since it deals frankly with sex in marriage. Q: A friend confided that she and her husband were married before, with one child between them and his two from a previous marriage. She said the divorces were caused by relationships outside their marriage. His ex-wife had a child only six months after the divorce. Now, the ex and the two children (plus the one) live 900 miles away. The ex called to ask if her current husband could adopt his children. My friends haven't seen his children for two years. How or what should I say from a Biblical standpoint to help them? The husband has thought about it and may sign the adoption papers but his wife is concerned about their spiritual well being. She hasn't told many people about this (only me that I know of). If they do give them up, when should they tell their child that he has two half sisters? I am asking you since she did not want people in our town to know--I thought that out of respect for her privacy I shouldn't ask our own pastor. What do you think the Bible says and should they be open about their previous marriage? I told her that she did not have an obligation to tell the world about their past. May God Bless Your ministry; it has touched my family's life! A: First, why haven't they seen the children? Is he prevented by court order, by finances, or by inertia? If he truly wants to be a father and not, as a certain radio counselor says, just a "sperm donor," he should be involved with them as much as possible. For the girls' spiritual well being, the parents need to be able to speak to the children as often as they can. If it is truly impossible for them to regularly interact with the children, a careful decision needs to be made. Sometimes that tired old cliche about loving something and setting it free is actually true and the adoption might be the best alternative. This is not true, however, if Christians are faced with losing their children to an unchristian home. Can you help them discover ways of becoming more involved? Is it possible for them to move closer to the girls? Whatever else, the Biblical thing to do is to continue what you've started. Be caring and compassionate. Share their burdens. Pray for them. Grieve with them. Listen to them. Sometimes you'll have opportunity to say something that will lighten the burden. If you are immersed in the Scriptures, the right words will come at the right time. Sometimes you'll never have a chance to say much that directly helps, but, "I'm here for you" is always a powerful tonic for one under such a load. If they do give them up, telling the boy about his half-sisters should probably wait, if it's done at all. The parents need to be sure that good will come of such, otherwise it's the same predicament as we have with the privacy of the previous marriages. What's past is past. It is a sin of "false witness" to dredge up a painful past under the guise of being open and honest. If the boy is helped, they can tell him. If they desire to fight for visitation and the opportunity to be parents, they'll need to reveal at least some of what has happened. My heart goes out to you and to them as you remind us of how terribly sin has warped this world. Q: Recently I suggested to my wife making love in our car. Of course, it was to be discreet. Anyway, she wasn't comfortable with the idea so I decided to drop it. Further probing revealed that she felt it was sick or perverted. Whilst I have no intentions of engaging in this anymore, I would like to know if such variety is, in fact, perverted? I certainly don't want my wife to view me as a pervert! Besides we are both Christians. A: God gave remarkably few instructions concerning sex. One man, one woman, and one marriage are about the only constants he requires throughout the pages of Scripture. Everything else is either explicitly forbidden or is allowed insofar as it does not do harm. A change of venue falls into the "allowed, but..." category. Technically, what you wanted differs little from suggesting that you book a hotel room or sail off on a romantic cruise. Sometimes we start taking each other for granted as much as we do the homes in which we live. Getting out of the place may help us focus on the persons. However, if you seek a thrill because of the risk of discovery, then you are gratifying your own desires, and not trying to do something that is mutually stimulating and beneficial to your marriage. Remember also that how we are raised and what we have experienced will color our judgment. St. Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 8 about meat offered to idols apply here. Even if what you want is not wrong, and your prime desire is to become even more intimate with your beloved, if it causes her to think that she is sinning, then she is. Thus the husband also sins, and what is permitted becomes what shouldn't be done. Remember to "Ask the Pastor" at P.O. Box 1080, Jasper, Texas, 75951; E-mail xrysostom@aol.com; or catch me around town. Pastor Snyder serves St. Paul and Faith Lutheran Churches, Jasper and Woodville, Texas and is the coauthor of "What Do Lutherans Believe? A Study Guide in Christian Teachings for Adults." Copyright (c) 1997 by Walter P. Snyder Permission is granted by author to reproduce or retransmit this by any means, provided that its content is not altered, that this notice of copyright and permission is included, and that no financial gain is realized.